Dear Britta,
This year for Christmas I decided to start a new tradition of writing each of my children a letter. This has been a very exciting year for you. Most notably, you started Kindergarten--and boy do you love it. You are in your element at school. I have had your teacher tell me more than once how much he enjoys having you in his class. You work hard and you care intensely about doing your best in school and you thrive on the praise that comes from being at the top of your class.
You continue to love all things girl as well. One of your favorite games to play is house. You and Elodie trade off being the "mom" or the" sister", and the husband is always off somewhere working (more often than not his name is "Chris" and I hope you do marry someone just like your daddy someday). You have also become quite the artist this year. You will spend hours on a single picture, making sure every detail is just right and that all of your coloring is inside the lines. As you put it, you're doing "quality work." Detail is important to you, and always has been. You can sit and finish a 100 piece (or more) puzzle all by yourself, or spend hours building a Lego creation to the exact specifications in the instructions. Rules are important to you and you follow them to a tee. You wore your school name tag for months because your teacher told you to on the first day of school. You also have an impeccable memory and pay such close attention to detail--it has always amazed me the things you remember from such a young age. You'll be able to recall things we did or saw from years ago; you are just like your dad that way.
This year you also mastered the art of riding your bike and it was so fun watching you try and try until you figured it out. Like me, it is hard for you when something doesn't come easily to you. There were many tears and moments of frustration, but with Dad's help you finally figured it out. You are a very sweet and sensitive girl.
I've always said that you run hot or cold. Either you are a ray of sunshine or a little storm cloud. In the past few months I have come to the conclusion that you feel deeper than most. Whether it be physical pain, emotions such as excitement or happiness, or frustration--you feel with every part of you.
Another big change for you this year came right around your birthday when we finally took you to the eye doctor and found out that you did indeed need glasses. As it turns out, you have astigmatism in both eyes and your prescription is actually quite high. I learned so much about you in that 30 minute eye appointment, however. Never once had you complained about your vision (likely because you didn't know any different), and while it was obvious during the exam that you couldn't clearly see the symbols presented to you, never once did you say you couldn't do it. Instead, you sat there, sometimes for 30 seconds, focusing with all your might on the screen until you forced yourself to make out what was up there. And most of the time you were right. I was so impressed with your determination and perseverance. Above all, I was so proud of you for doing your best despite your limitations. I learned that as children we don't always recognize our limitations and so we are more fearless to go after things, but as we get older we let fear and doubt get in our way and hold us back.
You continue to love going to Primary and it has been so wonderful to watch your testimony grow this year. You memorized your line for the Primary Program with no problem and knew every word to every song. You're always the first one to volunteer to offer prayers for dinner and bedtime and you never forget to say your prayers each morning.
I love you sweet girl. You have taught me so much about myself. I see so much of me in you and sometimes I feel badly that I am often so short-tempered with you. There's nothing I want you to know more than how much I love you and love seeing the girl you are growing into. I wish I could keep you small and innocent forever, but then I see how much you are learning and growing and I can't wait for all that this life has in store for you.
Love, Mom
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
Twins--Birth Story
Once I hit 37 weeks with the twins I was beyond ready for them to make an appearance. Starting at about 35 weeks, I was feeling so big and swollen and exhausted that I couldn't imagine making it much longer. My Dr. had told me that he wouldn't let me go past my due date and hopefully not past 39 weeks. Since I was a VBAC, they didn't want to induce me, but they also didn't want to do a C-section if they didn't need to since both babies were head down. So, it was that balance of wanting to keep them in as long as possible, but also praying that I'd go into labor on my own.
For three weeks in a row, I had pretty regular Braxton-Hicks contractions, but wasn't making any progress in terms of dilating or effacing. Granted, my body waits until I'm in labor to get to dilating. Even so, by my 37 week check-up I felt my body was telling me they were never coming. I went straight from my appointment to pick up my Mom from the airport and then the efforts to induce labor began in earnest. We starting walking, eating spicy foods, bouncing on my exercise ball, with a whole lot of putting my swollen feet up in between.
On Sunday I got the kids up and ready for church and sent them on their way with my mom. I had no desire to sit through three hours on a hard bench, and honestly, I had pretty much nothing that fit me at that point anyway. The whole time everyone was at church I was feeling super crampy. I had this feeling that the babies were going to come the next day. As soon as everyone got home, though, all of my cramps went away. I had almost no contractions the rest of the day, but I did start to feel really nauseous after dinner. I rarely feel sick, so I was hoping it was related to the babies, but I couldn't be sure.
We went to bed and I woke up at about midnight to got to the bathroom. After I laid back down, I was having some contractions that I was sort of dozing through. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking "I think I'm starting labor" and then I'd doze back off. At 1:30 I had a sharp contraction that woke me up and I headed back to the bathroom. After I stood back up I had a trickle that made me do a double-take. I wasn't sure if it was my water breaking or if I was just incontinent. I started walking to the closet to change and felt another small gush. So, I went to wake Chris and tell him my water broke. I got to the bed and just started laughing because it was now literally trickling down my leg.
He got up and started packing my hospital bag (because we're so prepared) and I hopped in the shower. Then we woke up our parents and told them we were heading to the hospital, and we'd keep them posted on our progress, but not to expect news anytime soon.
We got to the hospital and parked by the Birth Center, not realizing that at 2:30 in the morning, you have to go to the emergency room to get checked in. We walked all the way over to that entrance and by the time we got there, my water had soaked through my clothes. I was so ready to get changed and have some babies! They wheeled me into Labor and Delivery and confirmed that my water had indeed broken and it was time to get me set up in a labor room.
After they checked me in and set me up, my contractions were still really inconsistent in their timing, but they were getting progressively more painful. A nurse finally checked me at about 4:30 am and I was dilated to a 3. I was discouraged thinking I still had so much labor ahead of me and I was already in so much pain. Chris and my mom could tell that I was in pretty bad pain, so Chris encouraged me to go ahead and ask for the epidural. I was hesitant because I didn't want to get it too soon and have it slow my labor down or anything. Around that time, our friend Alina who works as a L&D Nurse at the hospital popped in and commented on how intense my contractions were on the monitor. That did it; I was ready for some drugs.
I asked for the epidural and the anesthesiologist showed up to place the epidural at about 5:30. It took a long time for it to take effect and I was worried that I was going to have a repeat of Elodie, where the epidural didn't take effect at all. He topped off the dose and hung out in my room for about 45 minutes to make sure it was working. It finally started to kick in, but I could still feel my contractions, just not as strong as before. It was the perfect epidural. It took the major pain away, but didn't leave me numb and clueless as to what was going on with my labor.
At about 7:00, my pain was increasing and the nurse suggested we call anesthesia for a top off. Before she put in the order, she thought she'd better check my progress. She checked me and she was like "oh, you're at a 9, we better get you into the O.R.". All twins are delivered in the OR in case of the need for emergency surgery. My mom couldn't come in with us, so we said goodbye to her and suited up for surgery (just in case).
They wheeled me into the OR and it was teeming with doctors and nurses. There was a nurse and a doctor for each baby, two nurses and two doctors for me. A scrub nurse, an anesthesiologist and maybe even some other ones I missed. The funny thing, though, was how relaxed the environment was even with all the doctors. They were blasting the classic rock and making jokes about my uterus and the fact that we were about to have double the daughters.
As soon as we got set up and the doctors were up to speed, everyone sort of looked at me and were like "so, why are you pushing?!". It was much less of a production than with Elodie, just sort of like "go for it whenever you're ready. You got this." I pushed through two contractions and the first baby was out. It was such a tangible, physical relief to have her out. They handed her to me and all I could think was how much she looked like Elle to me.
The doctors hinted at the fact that they needed to make sure everything was good with Baby B before I could push again, so I was waiting for a green light when the nurse looked at me and said "you can push, you know" (or something like that). I was like "oh, alright, you got it!" Another two contractions and she was out. They handed her to me and I said "they're identical!" They looked so much alike to me, it took me by surprise.
They were born at 8:39 and 8:49 am, just ten minutes apart, my easiest and quickest labor and delivery of all. I couldn't believe it. When I was pushing the second one out, the doctor said "you should have ten more kids, you're a pro." All of my laundry list of fears about delivering twins never even came close to being realized. They were both perfectly healthy and beautiful. We were discharged the very next day, after many long hours of discussing what to name them. We landed on Nora Beth and Tess Ada, their middle names both family names. The more time we spent with them in the hospital the more convinced we were that they weren't identical, but honestly, the jury is still out. They have moments where they look so much alike and others where they look totally distinct from one another. If nothing else, they're definitely sisters.
I feel like their delivery has been indicative of the whole experience of having twins so far. It's a million times less scary and awful than I thought it would be. Truth be told, their first week of life I was a complete hormonal mess, mostly over the fact that I couldn't believe how much I loved them. I feel for them hard and fast. During my whole pregnancy, I hadn't really ever let myself get excited or too attached to them, but after they were born it was like all the months of worry and fear and doubt just dissolved and I was so absolutely sure that they were mine and that it was always meant to be that way.
We got to the hospital and parked by the Birth Center, not realizing that at 2:30 in the morning, you have to go to the emergency room to get checked in. We walked all the way over to that entrance and by the time we got there, my water had soaked through my clothes. I was so ready to get changed and have some babies! They wheeled me into Labor and Delivery and confirmed that my water had indeed broken and it was time to get me set up in a labor room.
After they checked me in and set me up, my contractions were still really inconsistent in their timing, but they were getting progressively more painful. A nurse finally checked me at about 4:30 am and I was dilated to a 3. I was discouraged thinking I still had so much labor ahead of me and I was already in so much pain. Chris and my mom could tell that I was in pretty bad pain, so Chris encouraged me to go ahead and ask for the epidural. I was hesitant because I didn't want to get it too soon and have it slow my labor down or anything. Around that time, our friend Alina who works as a L&D Nurse at the hospital popped in and commented on how intense my contractions were on the monitor. That did it; I was ready for some drugs.
I asked for the epidural and the anesthesiologist showed up to place the epidural at about 5:30. It took a long time for it to take effect and I was worried that I was going to have a repeat of Elodie, where the epidural didn't take effect at all. He topped off the dose and hung out in my room for about 45 minutes to make sure it was working. It finally started to kick in, but I could still feel my contractions, just not as strong as before. It was the perfect epidural. It took the major pain away, but didn't leave me numb and clueless as to what was going on with my labor.
At about 7:00, my pain was increasing and the nurse suggested we call anesthesia for a top off. Before she put in the order, she thought she'd better check my progress. She checked me and she was like "oh, you're at a 9, we better get you into the O.R.". All twins are delivered in the OR in case of the need for emergency surgery. My mom couldn't come in with us, so we said goodbye to her and suited up for surgery (just in case).
They wheeled me into the OR and it was teeming with doctors and nurses. There was a nurse and a doctor for each baby, two nurses and two doctors for me. A scrub nurse, an anesthesiologist and maybe even some other ones I missed. The funny thing, though, was how relaxed the environment was even with all the doctors. They were blasting the classic rock and making jokes about my uterus and the fact that we were about to have double the daughters.
As soon as we got set up and the doctors were up to speed, everyone sort of looked at me and were like "so, why are you pushing?!". It was much less of a production than with Elodie, just sort of like "go for it whenever you're ready. You got this." I pushed through two contractions and the first baby was out. It was such a tangible, physical relief to have her out. They handed her to me and all I could think was how much she looked like Elle to me.
The doctors hinted at the fact that they needed to make sure everything was good with Baby B before I could push again, so I was waiting for a green light when the nurse looked at me and said "you can push, you know" (or something like that). I was like "oh, alright, you got it!" Another two contractions and she was out. They handed her to me and I said "they're identical!" They looked so much alike to me, it took me by surprise.
They were born at 8:39 and 8:49 am, just ten minutes apart, my easiest and quickest labor and delivery of all. I couldn't believe it. When I was pushing the second one out, the doctor said "you should have ten more kids, you're a pro." All of my laundry list of fears about delivering twins never even came close to being realized. They were both perfectly healthy and beautiful. We were discharged the very next day, after many long hours of discussing what to name them. We landed on Nora Beth and Tess Ada, their middle names both family names. The more time we spent with them in the hospital the more convinced we were that they weren't identical, but honestly, the jury is still out. They have moments where they look so much alike and others where they look totally distinct from one another. If nothing else, they're definitely sisters.
I feel like their delivery has been indicative of the whole experience of having twins so far. It's a million times less scary and awful than I thought it would be. Truth be told, their first week of life I was a complete hormonal mess, mostly over the fact that I couldn't believe how much I loved them. I feel for them hard and fast. During my whole pregnancy, I hadn't really ever let myself get excited or too attached to them, but after they were born it was like all the months of worry and fear and doubt just dissolved and I was so absolutely sure that they were mine and that it was always meant to be that way.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Twins
Some people struggle for months or years to conceive, while we need merely think about adding to our family and it happens. As grateful as I constantly need to remind myself to be about this, it also serves as a double-edged sword. Inevitably I am shocked when I find myself pregnant so quickly and need some time to absorb the news and feel excited about it.
This time around we were in the midst of some pretty significant changes when we found out I was pregnant. We had just listed our home, were getting ready to make a big move to a house that needed a full remodel, would be living with Chris's parents, and I was working full-time. We thought for a brief moment that we weren't going to be undergoing all of these changes and decided to try getting pregnant. By the time we realized it was going to be a crazy time in our lives and probably not the easiest time to add to the insanity, I was already expecting.
So, I resolved myself to make the most of it, deal with my morning sickness through, packing, moving, and working and just not worry about what I couldn't control. And then I went to the Dr. Twins.
I went to my appointment alone because I figured "Hey, round #3, I got this. Chris doesn't need to take time off of work." As soon as the Dr. told me it was twins, I started bawling. Then I started laughing and then I cried some more. I was in shock. Twins were nowhere on my radar and clearly the last thing we needed in a house that already required remodeling to house the two children we currently have. I'll admit, I was even a little bit mad. Like Heavenly Father was playing some sort of sick joke on me or punishing me for something. I can;t even count the number of times I have thought "Man, I would hate to have twins."
When I got home from my appointment, I could barely even get the news out to Chris before breaking down again. He almost didn't believe me. How could we be having twins?! How does that happen?!
Over the next several days, my mind was filled with all sorts of panic. "How big am I going to get?" "How do you nurse two babies?" "How do you leave the house with two babies?" "How do you parent FOUR children, five and under?" How do you get anything done?" "Where are we going to put all these kids?" "How much is this going to cost?" "Are they going to have to be in the NICU, what are the risks, am I going to have to have a c-section?" And on and on.
Truth be told, I still have a mental freak-out about once a week. Overall, the pregnancy has been pretty easy, except for some morning sickness in the first trimester. While it has been physically better than I though tit would be, It has been emotionally much more taxing than with my first two. I worry more about the babies, I feel a huge sense of dread when I think about what it is actually going to be like, I feel jealous of people who are only going to add one, manageable baby to their family, I get sad thinking we'll never have any boys, the non-stop nursing thing has me all in a tizzy, and mostly I just feel like I have no idea what to really expect.
Yesterday I had an ultrasound. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and have had several. It is always fun to see the babies, but the ultrasounds have never gotten me excited the way they did with Britta and Elodie. But this time, the babies were snuggled so close to each other and you could see their mouths opening and closing and the hair on their heads. For the first time, they were like real babies to me, not just some overwhelming, scary future I'm slowly marching (waddling) my way toward. For the first time, I felt a flicker of excitement thinking about meeting them. So I did what any self-respecting mother would do and went out and bought them matching dresses.
This time around we were in the midst of some pretty significant changes when we found out I was pregnant. We had just listed our home, were getting ready to make a big move to a house that needed a full remodel, would be living with Chris's parents, and I was working full-time. We thought for a brief moment that we weren't going to be undergoing all of these changes and decided to try getting pregnant. By the time we realized it was going to be a crazy time in our lives and probably not the easiest time to add to the insanity, I was already expecting.
So, I resolved myself to make the most of it, deal with my morning sickness through, packing, moving, and working and just not worry about what I couldn't control. And then I went to the Dr. Twins.
I went to my appointment alone because I figured "Hey, round #3, I got this. Chris doesn't need to take time off of work." As soon as the Dr. told me it was twins, I started bawling. Then I started laughing and then I cried some more. I was in shock. Twins were nowhere on my radar and clearly the last thing we needed in a house that already required remodeling to house the two children we currently have. I'll admit, I was even a little bit mad. Like Heavenly Father was playing some sort of sick joke on me or punishing me for something. I can;t even count the number of times I have thought "Man, I would hate to have twins."
When I got home from my appointment, I could barely even get the news out to Chris before breaking down again. He almost didn't believe me. How could we be having twins?! How does that happen?!
Over the next several days, my mind was filled with all sorts of panic. "How big am I going to get?" "How do you nurse two babies?" "How do you leave the house with two babies?" "How do you parent FOUR children, five and under?" How do you get anything done?" "Where are we going to put all these kids?" "How much is this going to cost?" "Are they going to have to be in the NICU, what are the risks, am I going to have to have a c-section?" And on and on.
Truth be told, I still have a mental freak-out about once a week. Overall, the pregnancy has been pretty easy, except for some morning sickness in the first trimester. While it has been physically better than I though tit would be, It has been emotionally much more taxing than with my first two. I worry more about the babies, I feel a huge sense of dread when I think about what it is actually going to be like, I feel jealous of people who are only going to add one, manageable baby to their family, I get sad thinking we'll never have any boys, the non-stop nursing thing has me all in a tizzy, and mostly I just feel like I have no idea what to really expect.
Yesterday I had an ultrasound. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and have had several. It is always fun to see the babies, but the ultrasounds have never gotten me excited the way they did with Britta and Elodie. But this time, the babies were snuggled so close to each other and you could see their mouths opening and closing and the hair on their heads. For the first time, they were like real babies to me, not just some overwhelming, scary future I'm slowly marching (waddling) my way toward. For the first time, I felt a flicker of excitement thinking about meeting them. So I did what any self-respecting mother would do and went out and bought them matching dresses.
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